Pray you won't fade away.

You know when you haven't seen or talked to someone in forever and you plan out everything you want to say to them when you see them. You have a list of all of these things that you've been dying to tell them and then when it finally happens. You make eye contact and not a word comes out. Not a single word; just a look of wonder and pain and anger thrown on your face.

And it all just sucks so bad because at one point in time, that person was the only person you wanted anything to do with. And you don't even need words from them or explanations, you just need to know that they are okay and well and happy.

And I may be ranting but I don't care. I just get so angry when I think about all the people who once meant a great deal to me and then the next day I meant nothing to them. I mean lets be real for a second; I'm far too scared to say a real though out loud to someone who made a point that I was better off without them. But how is that fair?

Who are you to make such a decision for me.
I hope you're reading this.
I hope you're okay and I forgive you.

Sorry, I've been sleeping.

So as it's been a bit of a long time since i have last updated, far too much has happened. Recently, I have been working a whole lot and when I'm not doing that I am 

A. Watching Gossip Girl on Netflix.

B. Playing bubblespinner on deadwhale.com

C. Sleeping

D. Hanging out with the few wonderful friends I have. 

E. All of the above.

Prior to the things going on in my life now I was away for other reasons. I lost myself. I had my heart broken. I was proven wrong.

I can't say I have all my crap in line, because I do not. But trust me, I'm getting there.

I've decided to get back on my blog train. I constantly have so many thoughts about what I could talk about but I've come to the conclusion that it's hard to put things into words without sounding like an idiot. But I've come to the realization that the people who think I am an idiot, I don't need in my life; Nor do I really like.I've also realized that the things I'm afraid to say, need to be said. 

So stay tuned; I have every intention of saying something worth reading.

Wonderwall.

Cause maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.

I've been staring at this blank screen for about 5 days now;Trying to figure out how to write about my pain and heartbreak, trying to find the words to explain how I really feel. The truth is, there are no words for the pain I am currently feeling right now and there aren't words to fix me. Then I made the decision that I'm not going to blog about all of the negativeness I have in me right now, that just fuels the fire. Right?

So let me say this, even though some things don't work out...some things do. Unexpected things that don't make sense to you at all. That's what is so beautiful about life though; even with all the bad shit going on in the world there can still be some happiness brought on from the smallest thing.

People you never thought would mean the world to you suddenly turn into the best thing you have and know. That even when you have lost all hope in everything you know, someone RANDOMLY shows up and makes you believe that everything will be okay. Cause in all honesty even if you cry yourself to sleep tonight like I have been doing for the past week, everything is going to be okay. Cause you're not alone. Cause you have a beautiful family and wonderful friends that would do anything to protect you. I'd do anything to protect you. 

I know it's going to be okay, maybe not now. But soon. Why do I think that?

Cause you're too damn beautiful and have been through too much for it to not be okay. I'm probably rambling, but I don't care. 

Tell someone how you feel, let them know what's in your heart; cause you are never going to get that moment back. You are never going to know for sure know where it will take you.

These past few days, I've felt unworthy of love and like it couldn't get any worst. But it could and I am loved. I know that. I think cause we are human we forget how to be thankful for what we do have and we take the things we love for granted. 

Stop doing that. 

Live now.

Love through the pain.

You're here for a reason.

25 truths about females.

Recently I received a message from a young man asking me why girls are so complicated, and how to act around a girl you like. Well I don't have all the answers but I think I may be able to help a little bit. So I've made the decision to write about things that most girls don't address; The Truth.

So dear confused men of the world, keep these few things in mind. 

The truth is most girls will agree with me when I say that we LOVE doing something fun over something fancy. We love being competitive with you and being able to be casual over trying to be socially acceptable in a fancy atmosphere. It's quite stressful actually. 

The truth is most girls would rather stay in and eat endless amounts of junk food with you and watch a marathon of How I Met Your Mother with you on Netflix all day long.

The truth is most girls are not impressed with your money, we are more impressed with your words and how kind you can be to the stranger at the supermarket. 

The truth is most girls do not want to hear about your bodily functions, no matter how close you two are. 

The truth is most girls expect to be respected with the same amount of respect that your mom and girlfriend get, even if we are close friends; we are still ladies. 

The truth is most girls admire a man who can be himself in front of her and his buddies without changing. We love honesty and we love knowing you feel secure enough with us. 

The truth is most girls don't say a lot of things that are on their minds because they are scared of being judged by others.

The truth is most girls would rather have the truth instead of a pretty little lie that you made up. 

The truth is most girls hate playing games but we love to play hard to get. 

Annoying we females are. 

The truth is most girls would rather be single than dating someone who doesn't appreciate them. 

The truth is most girls love the little things. We love knowing that you went out of your way for us, a little goes a long way. 

The truth is most girls love when you are spontaneous, trust me we are more than willing to go to IHOP with you at 3AM. We love food. 

The truth is most girls love when she can be herself around you. If you tell her to 'tone it down' in public because she's 'embarrassing you' , you better be ready to say goodbye.

The truth is most girls just want to just cuddle and watch TV. WE CAN NOT STRESS ENOUGH, our down time is crucial. 

The truth is most girls want to just be there for you, we want to be able to let you know that you aren't alone and that you are allowed to be unhappy and not so macho sometimes. 

The truth is most girls care to much but it's because we believe that everyone deserves to be loved. 

The truth is most girls don't have the words to help you but we do give great head massages that will make you forget about your problems.

The truth is most girls don't want to have to plan a date or pick where you are going to go for dinner. You're the guy, man up and take charge. Don't be a tit. We hate that. 

The truth is most girls love when you stand up for her and especially for yourself. 

The truth is most girls hate when you say 'I'm cold. Come lay with me.' No. Just get a blanket or get your lazy butt up and come lay with us. 

The truth is most girls will never understand you and you will never understand them. 

The truth is most girls just want to feel beautiful and loved. We want to feel like we matter, like we are significant in your lives. Whether you are her friend or her boyfriend, you have a responsibility being in each others lives to make each other feel significant and important. 

The truth about most girls is that we are just as confused as you are, all we ask is to be treated with kindness. We ask that you understand that we are not going to 'put out' just because you have a six pack and a pair of David Beckham eyes. 

The truth is most girls aren't as emotional as they seem. We just feel things more because we love with everything we have. 

The truth is most girls just want to be treated like a princess, you don't have to buy us fancy things but love us like Prince Eric loved Ariel. Love us like the Beast loved Belle. Love us like Ethan loves Rachel in Something Borrowed. We don't have to be romantically involved to be loved back in a way we've never been loved before.We know life isn't a fairytale but we want to believe in a happily ever after even with the circumstances that comes with life.

You're welcome.

She's My Person.

 "She's my person. If i murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She's my person." - Cristina Yang on Meredith Grey 

Everyone has a person, it's the best friend that you have ever had. The person you call after something really great or not so great happens. It's the person you could see everyday and literally never get tired of seeing. I have a person like that, and she's everything I wish I was. She's my person, my best friend, my unofficial second sister. 

 

Her name is Danielle and you know her or you don't. I'm just lucky enough to feel like I've never known anyone better and no one has ever known me better. I've known Dani for 6 years, we have been the best of friends and almost inseparable for 3 of those very quick years. She's been in my life through everything, she watched me walk the stage when I graduated High School, she's my date to many occasions, she was the one I was with when I almost had an accident at Wal-Mart, she's my go to person for everything.

When I met Dani 6 years ago it was in our Keyboarding class and we sat right next to each other. By the way, we both totally blew at keyboarding. I remember very few things about that year but a highlight was when she got me skittles for my birthday, random and unimportant thought.

 

The reason I am blogging about this girl that I adore so much is because I had a conversation with a friend about what defines a soul mate. Well my opinion, your 'love of your life' doesn't have to be your only soul mate. It's someone who gets you, someone who sees all the good things in you when all you see is the bad. Someone who can finish your sentences and know what you're thinking with just a look. They can telepathically communicate with you, they appreciate your obsession with aliens and time travel. They don't make fun of you and give you a hard time when they have every right to. A soul mate is your person, and Danielle is mine. 

 She's my Rachel to my Monica. My Grey to my Yang. Peanut butter to my jelly, bow to my tie. You get it. But who are we without these people in our lives? I don't really know, because if you ask me what I would do without my best friend I wouldn't have an answer. I talk to her every day and yeah, I majorly rely on her. That's what best friends are for though, they are there to give your trust back in someone. To believe there is a happy side to things, to remind you that although you may be totally stupid sometimes that you are in fact still loved.  You are always going to have those people who you consider your best group of friends and trust me I have that and that entry is saved for another day. But then in your life you are going to have one person who you consider the best friend you have ever had, I am so happy to say that I have that.

 

Dear Danielle, first and foremost thank you for being my unbiological sister and for allowing your family to be my family and for believing in my when I don't even believe in myself. I just want you to know that through everything I have ever been through I never thought I would find someone who would be there for me through it all the way you have been. Everyone I know sees you as the same way, someone they can go to and someone who will support them. I don't think you have ever seen yourself as seriously wonderful as you really are, but you're more wonderful then you will ever know. You've helped so many people and have changed so many lives. Your heart is everything I wish mine was and you have the biggest influence on me when it comes to my faith and living my life. You are nothing but supportive of absolutely everything I do, every dumb and crazy absurd idea I have and there was never a point where you sat there and laughed at me like so many people do. You're going to do more amazing things then you know and I have every intention of being there right next to you and observing your life from the side lines. Thank you for being my therapist and my #1 fan. Twenty years from now, I am going to look back and remember that you were that one person who could turn every frown into a smile in a few simple words; the person who lifted my head when I began to lose faith in myself. I love you and you're my person.

Fix a Heart.

 

One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life, & with that she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So, she made the decision to survive using courage, humor, and grace. She was the queen of own life and the choice was hers. 

So Broncos lost, don't worry Eric Decker..I still love you.Plus Eric, you also have a hot wife named Jessie James and she is about to have a baby so you basically already won at life. What a horrible feeling right? To lose the Superbowl...to actually only get one touchdown and to get a 2 point inversion. I mean at least they made it that far. Honestly, that's all that matters. It's not about winning, it's about the opportunity. What about Peyton Manning? How old is he now? Oh well, I suppose if he is happy still playing I am happy for him. Besides the point I got a really kind email from a total stranger yesterday named Elizabeth who is 15 and she has been an avid reader of my blog that is less than a week old. So I guess it isn't that avid; ANYWAY.

Elizabeth asked me about my story, not just my thoughts. But she wondered who I was and why I thought the things I did. She thanked me for the 'kind reminder that she wasn't alone' which if we are being totally honest made me cry. She asked me if I had ever had my heart broken and how I recovered afterwards. She asked about the dark side of my life and the less positive side that I didn't show. Now why she is so curious about me and that part, I won't ever know; but if I can be some sort of beacon of hope for her life and the heartache that she is dealing with then I am happy to be honest and disclose a part of me that I don't often share.

So for the few of you I don't bombard with this like and read it out of pure please and don't know me. So here I go, I guess I'm just going to make a list of things. I suck at this. 

 

So this is me. 

1. I'm 20 and I feel like that is an incredibly awkward age and I do not enjoy it.

2. God is seriously the best and my faith is very important to me.

3.I have the best friends in the entire world and I have never doubted that for a second. 

4. Photography is where my heart is at. 

5. I love people, regardless of how much I say 'I hate people' I love them. 

6. I love One Direction and Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

7. Disney World is my favorite place in this entire world. 

8. I have every intention of living in London one day. 

9. I look up to My Mom so so so much. 

10. I'm a lover not a fighter. 

So I don't know if any of the above was the least bit interesting but that's that. Now to the serious stuff.

My story, I feel like it's excessively long and not so important, let's just say that I grew up a lot quicker then other kids did at the age of 12. I'll also add that having a huge family and like 1000 cousins and great friends helped with the trials and tribulations I did have as a teenager. The past is the past and yeah, it may write a story for you and shape you into the person you are today but no matter who you are; your past in no way defines you.

I always try and I guess kind of romanticize the positive in life just because it's so much easier to see the negative in everything. I think my generation was taught to be 'problem solvers' so I strongly think that we look for problems to fix, problems that weren't there before we made them. That's so scary. So although many people think that I am 'Fake' or am 'full of it' because I try to be happy all the time and come off all bubbly, that doesn't mean in any way my life is perfect.

Have I ever had my heart broken? Yes. I think whether each of us owns up to it, we all have. It's hard to admit that you allowed yourself to be so vulnerable to put yourself in a situation where your heart can get hurt. I mean it's embarrassing having to admit that your hurting for whatever reason, it's hard to say it out loud. It sucks when you put your trust in someone and they break it when you had every reason to believe they wouldn't. Now, you think heartbreak you think 'oh my boyfriend cheated on me'. Well trust me I know that blows. But your heart can break from anything really;

• Your best friend in the world stops being friends with you. 
• Your parents get a divorce and you were taught from observation that not much of anything ever works out. 
• Someone close to you passes away and you weren't given that chance to say goodbye. 
• Your boyfriend breaks up with you because he found someone else who would put out 

I haven't been through half the crap that everyone else has been through and I'm sure my problems could never compare to some of yours. But if I have learned one thing growing up, it's that no problem is ever to small to ignore. I have had my heartbroken and that list above is just a list, it doesn't mean that you're wrong for being hurt over something that isn't on there. 

How I recover from heartbreak? A lot of girls nights and a lot of action film. Something I don't think people realize is that there is no time limit on how long you're allowed to be hurt. Once something happens that affects you in a big enough way, I believe you take it with you everywhere. If someone says "you're still talking about that? I think it's time to move on." and it totally belittles what you went through. Don't get upset at that person, they didn't go through what you went through. They don't know how many days you slept in cause you were to emotionally drained to get out of bed. They don't know the relationship you had with whoever hurt you, they might have observed it;but they never knew it the way you did. Give them a free from jail card because that person who said that probably just wants the best for you. Trust me. 

Give yourself as much time as you need to heal. But respect yourself enough to know that you deserve the best in this life. 

Dear Elizabeth & anyone else this may concern,  

   You're loved regardless of what people may tell you. Don't doubt your worth and your reason for living because as weak as you may believe you are, it took gut to message me and ask for an entry about heart break. This boy that you're hurt over, allow yourself to feel what you feel now. Yeah, it sucks a lot...and as you get older you are going to realize that boys suck. I'm 20 years old, and they still are confusing as ever. But I can promise you one thing, that boy you are hurt over right now...he isn't even going to matter five years from now. You're beautiful and High School sucks for everyone at some point. You have purpose and you are way too young to think you won't amount to anything. I don't know who told you that you're not special and unworthy of love...but they have no idea what they are talking about. You asked me for solid advice about what you should do now. Honestly Liz, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do now. At 15 my heart was broken and if I could go back and tell myself what to do I would say, 'love yourself more than the idea of wanting everyone else to love you.' You is what matters, not the stereotypes. Work hard, get involved, find friends that are going to stand by you through the future heartbreaks that you will have. But love yourself most of all. 

xxxo -Ashley.

So that's that. I'm sure when you read this you had one particular heartbreaking situation going through your mind. First of all, I'm sorry that happened to you. So take this moment and try to look at things differently. Be happy as hard as it may be. Realize that no problem is too small. You're not wrong for being heartbroken and you deserve the best. Look for the beauty in every situation, no matter how ugly it may be. Everyone and everything has a good quality, it's just a matter of finding it and being open to the positive side of it. 

2 Hands.

As you grow older, you will discover you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others. ~Audrey Hepburn

 

At what point do you decide you should help someone? The point where they ask for help? The point where you notice that they might maybe could use an extra hand? Or the point when they no longer can help themselves? I don't know which one is appropriate, much less when you are suppose to help someone. I do know that you should help people though, whether they are someone that you know or not. I mean, why wouldn't you? Oh, that's right. You're in a rush for that thing that you are fine being a few minutes late to. 

 

I went around asking people about experiences and what they wanted to read in this blog. Some had nothing to say, others had a whole story to tell. My neighbor and good friend ,Yadira had an especially good one to tell. She told me about recently when she was driving home and going through Northside. Which most of us know it as "the bad side of town". She was driving with her Mom when they saw a woman walking the same way they were driving. Looked toward her Mom and insisted they go back and pick her up. 

 

Now most of us including myself would be skeptical about picking someone up off the side of the road because you just never know. We are taught that you can never be too safe and people are crazy. Anyway back to the story, they turned around and stopped and asked the woman if she needed a ride. The woman gasped in awe and said "yes" she had 3 bags of groceries in her hands. She got inside the car and said "thank you so much, no one stopped and I have walked all the way from 28th street. I am so tired." Yadira immediately introduced herself and the woman did the same. Yadira mentioned to her that God put it in her heart to pick her up, the woman bursted out in tears. The woman said "I thought God hated me right now."; Yadira then explained to her that He loves you and cares about you.

 

Yadira got her number and is continuing to pray for her and her situation. The woman is a Mother of 4 and her car was impounded and she lost her job. Now to some of you this story may seem kind of pointless and to others it may have touched your heart the way it did mine.  It reminds us that no act of kindness is ever to small and that you may think you cant make a difference in someones life because you are just one person but you can. 

 

So at what point do you help someone? Think about all of the people that have helped you in your life and didn't have too. Hopefully you are grateful of those people. Think about if they haven't had helped you with you car that day or they didn't come get you from that party you did not want to be at. Or you were having a bad day and just needed someone to sit in bed and eat ice cream with you. They didn't have to be there for you or help you but they did. Now I know it comes back to the man in front of the gas station asking for money and not knowing if he is worthy of your extra buck or not. He could need it for drugs or he's faking it just to rip people off, but he also really could be struggling and need it more than you. 

 

Take this moment right now and make some sort of vow to yourself. A vow that you are going to help others because you are a good person. A vow that you are going to try to look at any situation from every point of view. A vow that you won't assume the worst in people. I know it isn't easy but if we don't help each other, who will help us?

 

If you please, take this moment to pray for the woman on the road that day. Pray that everything will work itself out for her and her family. Pray for those who can't help themselves right now. 

 

Do that and have a splendid Saturday.